As parents, we all want our kids to feel secure, confident, and free to be their authentic selves. Today, I’d like to share four practical tools that can help your children thrive. The theory of attachment links emotional health and resilience to security felt in key relationships. In other words, for us to feel free and live authentically, without fear of taking risks, we need security from a home base relationship. This foundational relationship can be with parents, partners, or close friends. Here are four tips to build security with your children, allowing them the freedom to flourish:
1. Attunement: Attunement means being aware of and responsive to your child’s needs and emotions. This starts early when parents learn to distinguish the different cries of an infant—one might signal hunger, another pain. As children grow, we continue to hone our skills in tuning into their needs. The message to the child is clear: “You are important, your needs are noticed, and you are loved.”
2. Pace: Pacing means respecting your child’s emotional rhythm. Children, especially young ones, don’t yet have the brain development to quickly process situations. Even adults struggle with this during heightened emotions. We must slow our pace and allow the child to lead. For example, when a child stubs their toe, hold them until they calm down rather than quickly assuring them they’re okay. This teaches children that their emotions are valid and it’s safe to feel discomfort. A helpful parenting technique here is “going low and slow”—lower your body to their level, slow your pace, and soften your tone.
3. Acceptance: Children need to know that they are accepted, no matter what they do or say. This creates a safe space for them to explore ideas, voice concerns, and recover from mistakes. Using the phrase “Tell me more” when a child says something that might trigger you allows time for internal regulation and shows the child that you are interested in their perspective. Always separate behavior from identity—accept who they are, even if you disagree with their choices.
4. Repair: Repair is crucial. Without mistakes or disagreements, we might send the false message that perfection equals security. Instead, children need to know that it’s okay to make mistakes and that relationships can be mended. Apologize sincerely, taking responsibility for your actions without placing blame on the child. Modeling this teaches children that they don’t have to be perfect—they can always repair and try again.These tips can help build a strong foundation of security and confidence in your children. For more in-depth discussions on attachment and parenting, visit our website and check out the Steadfast Podcast, where we delve deeper into these topics.
I’m with you on this journey, mamas!
Jessie Evans, LPC, PMHC, CHC
