Gossip. We all know it, we’ve all done it, and if we’re honest — it can feel kind of good in the moment.
But underneath that temporary high is something much more complicated.
Brené Brown calls this common enemy intimacy — the rush of connection that happens when two people “hotwire connection” by bonding over who or what they both dislike. It feels like closeness, but it’s counterfeit.
It’s not built on truth or trust; it’s built on shared judgment.
And because of that, it never lasts.
The Cultural Layer: When Connection Comes from Outrage
We live in a time when it’s easier than ever to connect through outrage.
Cancel culture, social media pile-ons, and “group hate” moments make it simple to find common ground by agreeing who we don’t like.
But when we write people off from a distance — politicians, pastors, celebrities, or entire groups who think differently — we forget their humanity.
Once you actually know someone, once you’ve seen their complexity, it’s nearly impossible to keep them in a tidy box labeled “them.”
When we rely on shared dislike to feel connected, we shortcut the real thing: connection built on empathy, curiosity, and love.
The Relational Layer: When Friendship Is Built on Negativity
Gossip can feel like connection — especially when you’ve been lonely.
It can even feel safe or validating: “Finally, someone who gets it.”
But those relationships are fragile. They’re built on a negative charge, not genuine intimacy.
As Jessie says in the episode, “When the shared enemy changes, or when the conversation runs out of people to pick apart, there’s nothing left to hold the relationship together.”
It’s the grown-up version of middle-school mean-girl culture — belonging through exclusion.
And as Brené Brown reminds us, “The opposite of belonging isn’t being alone — it’s fitting in.”
When we have to change who we are, or step outside our own values to be accepted by a group, that’s not belonging at all.
The Internal Layer: What Gossip Reveals About Us (Through IFS)
From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, gossip is a symptom — not a character flaw. It often comes from protectors inside us who are trying to meet a very normal need: belonging.
Here’s what might be happening inside:
- A part that fears rejection may reach for gossip to feel “in.”
If I can make this person laugh or agree with me, maybe I’ll be accepted. - A part that craves control may gossip to feel one-up instead of one-down.
If I highlight their flaws, I won’t have to look at my own inadequacy. - A younger, wounded part (an exile) may carry shame. Gossip becomes a quick way to offload that pain:
If I point out their weakness, maybe I won’t feel mine.
The problem? That relief doesn’t last — because it’s not healing. It’s displacement.
The only lasting solution is compassion: turning inward and offering kindness to the parts of us that feel small, inadequate, or unseen.
The Spiritual Layer: Returning to Integrity
From a faith perspective, this is an invitation back to integrity — to aligning what we say with who we really want to be.
Scripture tells us that “life and death are in the power of the tongue.” Gossip can make us feel powerful for a moment, but it’s a false power.
True connection comes from curiosity.
When we pause and ask, “What part of me is feeling small right now?” or “What am I actually needing?” — that’s when healing starts.
Because gossip isn’t really about the other person. It’s about what’s happening in us.
A Practice for Building Real Belonging
This week, try this simple reflection practice:
- Notice when you feel the urge to gossip.
- Name the part of you that’s reaching for it.
- Nurture that part instead — maybe it’s lonely, afraid, or craving connection.
- Choose curiosity over criticism.
When we stop bonding over who we dislike, we open space for something better: belonging that lasts.
Want to Go Deeper?
If this topic resonated with you, our team at Steadfast Christian Counseling in Charleston, SC can help you explore what drives your patterns of connection.
We integrate Internal Family Systems, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and Christian faith to help you heal from the inside out.
🌿 Learn more: www.steadfastchristiancounseling.com
💬 Book a free consultation: https://sccandcic.janeapp.com
