Unpacking Your Stuff: The Greatest Gift You Can Give Your Kids (and Your Marriage

Episode Summary

In this birthday-week reflection, Jessie shares why the most powerful gift we can give our kids and spouses is a commitment to unpack our stories—again and again. Through an IFS and attachment lens, she explains how our unhealed parts shape the way we show up in our homes, how repair creates safety, and why real couples work is often individual healing done together.

Key Takeaways

Every one of us carries a suitcase full of stories and defenses. When we don’t unpack them, our kids end up carrying that weight too.
Love isn’t the absence of conflict—it’s the presence of repair.
In safe, non-abusive relationships, couples counseling is really individual work in the context of relationship.
Secure families are built by parents with a growth mindset—reading, reflecting, going to therapy, and normalizing healing.
The gospel is our model for safety: beloved → secure → courageous.

Resources Mentioned

Make Sense of Your Story by Adam Young
The Place We Find Ourselves podcast by Adam Young
Steadfast Christian Counseling (Charleston, SC): www.steadfastchristiancounseling.com
Schedule a free consultation: https://sccandcic.janeapp.com

Faith + Clinical Integration

When you know you’re loved and safe in Christ, you can risk being vulnerable.
That same secure base at home—parents who take ownership of their emotional world—creates a space where kids can risk, fail, and repair without fear.

Ready to Begin Unpacking?

If you’re ready to start this process for yourself, or with your spouse, our team at Steadfast Christian Counseling in Charleston would love to walk with you.
Schedule a free consultation → https://sccandcic.janeapp.com

Note: We do not provide couples counseling in situations of abuse or active addiction. In those cases, we help you identify safe, individualized next steps.

🎧 Full Episode Transcript

Episode: Unpacking Your Stuff: The Greatest Gift You Can Give Your Kids (and Your Marriage)
Host: Jessie Evans, LPC — Founder of Steadfast Christian Counseling
Length: ~40 minutes

TRANSCRIPT

Jessie Evans (00:00)
Alright, what’s up everybody? Welcome back to the steadfast podcast. I’m so glad you’re here with me today.

So as I’m recording this, this is actually my birthday week. I turned 45 this week. So maybe that’s why today’s topic has come up for me this week. It’s really something I talk about a lot, but today I think we’re gonna get into the why.

I feel like if I ever wrote a book, I think it would be about this topic because I just think everything comes down to this. And for the parents listening, you know, for me, like everything comes back down to my kids now. Like I want to spend the next part of my life building secure relationships with my kids. I want them to feel so stinking safe in my presence that it propels them into taking beautiful risk in the rest of their life.

And that word “risk” sometimes can sound a little risky, but when we think about what that actually means, risk is simply the courage to be vulnerable, to try things, to step out into opportunity when maybe you’re not 100% sure, right?

But I want them to know and be able to identify the fire inside of them for things and then to just feel so confident to try. I want them to think for themselves. I want them to wrestle with ideas. I want them to not be afraid to question authority, including me. And that’s what I mean by risk.

I don’t want them to draw a box for themselves that they feel like is safe and they want to stay in. We talked about cages a few episodes back, so go back and listen to that one. Because I think a lot of times we have built cages for ourselves and we’re not even aware that we keep hopping right back in them.

For my kids, I want that to my bones. And I know as somebody who works in the mental health field and who has studied this stuff, and I know the research and I know what the attachment research says about how to get them there. And so that’s my goal for the rest of this walk — to help my crew feel that safety.

And for the believers listening, guys, that is the gospel. We have so much safety in the love of God that it propels us to be risky. Like, don’t put yourself in a cage. Think. Go after the things that fire you up. Don’t bury it.

I’m thinking through all of this stuff because, you know, I’m 45 now — I’m a grown up. But seriously, like you guys get it, right? Like it is the time. Like midlife I think wakes us up and we’re just kind of like, all right, it’s game time now. For me, I’ve got these five kids and I want to be a springboard for them, you know?

And here’s the thing, can we go ahead and just demolish, let’s go ahead and just demolish the myth that you stop parenting your kids when they’re 18, because as a 45-year-old who I will tell you, I’m so thankful both my parents are still living and my in-laws as well. I’m parented by all four of them. And so is my husband. His parents still parent him in a loving way. My parents still parent me. Parenting doesn’t stop.

Alright, I hear a bunch of amens from the background of my mind for that. My parents who are listening and listen every week — thank you, Mom and Dad.

Okay, so let’s jump into this. We are gonna talk about today what I think is the greatest gift you can give your kids no matter the age. And it’s an ongoing gift, okay? And it’s what I talk about all of the time, which is continually unpacking your stuff.

I want you to visualize that every human being has a rolling suitcase that they are carrying around with them. And I can tell you as a therapist that if you do not work to unpack your stuff, then what you essentially are doing is you are taking your suitcase and you’re handing it to your kid and they’re carrying their suitcase and your suitcase now.

So the greatest gift you can give your child is to unpack your story, okay? And we’re gonna talk a little bit more about what that means as we go here, okay?

How do we do that? It’s obviously — we’re obviously talking about a growth mindset here — but be somebody who reads books, be somebody who listens to podcasts, be somebody who goes to therapy. Let’s normalize this as a process of health and not something we do in a time of crisis.

We don’t just white-knuckle through life and then when that doesn’t work anymore, we go to therapy. No. We go now. And we unpack now and we realize our reactions and the way that we show up and we share ideas and we read books and we listen to pods. We live in a world where we have so many resources at our fingertips. I mean, this podcast is one of them, okay?

Self-improvement and having a growth mindset is the greatest gift you can give to the people around you.

We have to be honest about our story.

Behind me, Adam Young’s gonna be joining me in a couple weeks on the podcast, but this book, Make Sense of Your Story by Adam Young, is one of the best little roadmaps that you can get to do this work. It’s one that we use with clients sometimes in therapy, and so I highly recommend it.

He also has a really great podcast called The Place We Find Ourselves, and he has this thing that he says that I really think is great: “You can’t find yourself by yourself.”

This isn’t solo work. We are created for community. There’s so much research about right-eye-to-left-eye, left-eye-to-right-eye interaction, which means I actually have to be looking at another person face to face. That is really cool and really scriptural as well.

And also like, you know, obviously working with a therapist who has the tools to sit with you and help you do this. I mean, we are like wilderness guides for people. We go on the journey with you and we help you feel safe along the way.

And we point out things and we show you pitfalls and… to me, it’s one of the best things you can do — to be vulnerable enough to roll your suitcase in with somebody else and unpack it in the presence of another person who has the skills to help you.

So why does it matter so much for our kids? Well, for a lot of reasons. Your kids are always watching how you handle your own emotions. They’re always learning not only from what you say, but from what you model.

And also there is an atmosphere in a home — are your kids developing hyper-vigilance in your home because of your stress? I think one of the most beautiful gifts we can give our kids is for them to have the security of knowing that their parents can handle their own emotions.

We never want to be in a situation where our kids feel like they have to emotionally care for us and take care of us and hold our stuff.

It’s okay to show emotion in front of your kids. It’s okay for them to see you cry. It’s okay for them to see you angry. It’s okay for them to see all of that stuff.

When you show your child that you can take responsibility for your own emotions, that you can apologize, that you can be curious about your reactions, they begin to internalize safety. They begin to realize that they are not responsible for regulating the emotions in the space.

One of the things Annalise says all the time that I love is, “As parents, we have to be the regulated brain in the room.”

If we think about the Holy Spirit, the Holy Spirit is the regulated brain for us. We can rest in the security of the Godhead of the Trinity because we don’t have to worry that God is dysregulated at any time.

And we have to give that microcosm to our kids. We have to be the emotional regulation in the space. We’ve got to own that. And in order to own that, we’ve got to do our own work.

When you have a growth mindset as a parent, you teach your kids something powerful: that love is not the absence of conflict. We are not talking about being emotionless here. Love is the presence of repair.

And that is what creates a sense of belonging and safety in your home — and that is what creates safety across the lifespan.

When we have parents who in their 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s are continuing to do this internal work, continuing to wonder about themselves, continuing to look back at their story, continuing to notice things and maybe apologize for how they showed up in certain places or times — that’s when repair is possible and constant safety is always available.

I wanna take a little detour here and talk about… my philosophy of couples counseling. I view couples counseling, I think so often, a lot of people think like couples counseling is like, well, let’s go figure out how to communicate better. Which to me, to be honest with you is so surfacey. I mean, I can figure out like how to come at you a different way. but there may still be eggshells under my feet, right? As I’m coming to you. I think what we notice as couples counselors is that really, you know, our marriage relationships bring up a lot of our attachment wounds. And couples counseling is really individual work. in the context of relationship. We’re talking about these dynamics, we’re talking about the dances that we get into together, and we’re talking about the cycles that we get stuck in, but also we are talking about attachment, and we are talking about our internal family, and what is getting triggered, and what is protecting, and what is wounded, and all of those things. come into play. It’s so much more than the surface improved communication, which to me is very behavioral. And it just doesn’t get to the root of the hurt and the trauma that needs to be healed. So that these relationships can be free and loving and secure And I just want to say as an aside that, you know, couples counseling is never to be used in cases of any type of abuse or addiction. If that’s present, then couples counseling is not entered into because it’s not safe. But when those things are not there, and we are talking about two individuals who have decided to lean in, and do the individual work to make their relationship healthier, then we’re able to enter into a couple’s counseling relationship and do this type of deep work. We’re not just teaching communication skills. We are helping each partner understand why this relationship stirs up such strong emotions. Why does that tone of voice send me spiraling? Why does being misunderstood feel like rejection instead of just miscommunication? Because those moments aren’t just about what’s happening today, they’re about your story. So when we enter couples work with two people who are healthy, emotionally safe, and free from abuse or addiction, what we are really doing is helping each person unpack their own suitcase. We want you to understand the hurts you are still carrying, maybe from your parents. or past relationship, or the way that you were taught to handle conflict, the messages and memos that you’ve gotten, and how that shapes the way that you show up now. And when both people do that work, holy moly, that’s when real intimacy begins to grow. Here’s the truth that hits me every time I sit with a family. Your kids will carry the luggage if you do not. They will adapt to your stress. They will take on your emotional weight. They will internalize the patterns that you don’t face. Hear that again. They will internalize the patterns that you don’t face. But when you do the work, when you go to therapy, when you unpack your story, when you grow, when you heal, when you repair, guess what? You give your kids permission to do the same. You teach them that they do not have to be perfect. You show them that emotional honesty isn’t scary, it’s sacred. I have this thing on my bathroom wall that says grace over perfection. I want my kids to see me make mistakes. I want my kids to see me normalizing repair. I want my kids to see me trying and failing, making aggressive mistakes, trying things, jumping. I want them to see me as a bouncy ball because I do not want their internal dialogue to be, I have to be perfect. where everything has to be exactly lined up for me to try. I want their internal dialogue to be, we can always try again. We can always bounce back. We can always get back to good. I want that internal dialogue for them to be, I don’t have to be perfect. Grace over perfection. If you teach them that repair is possible, that growth is good, and that they don’t have to hold your pain in order to stay connected to you, that’s a biggie. They don’t have to hold on to your stuff in order to stay connected to you. That is the stuff of generational healing. That’s how we build secure families. Okay. You know what creates security in relationship? It is when both people take ownership of their own growth. It’s when you can look at your spouse and say, I’m gonna be responsible for my work and I trust that you’ll be responsible for yours. I wanna do my own work so that I can show up in the best possible open, vulnerable way for you. I don’t want my protectors driving or leading the way. I want to be able to speak from the thing behind the thing. I want to feel enough safety in the room to risk that vulnerability to jump. I want to stay open for you to feel that safety to jump and be vulnerable and say the thing behind the thing. That safety, that’s what makes vulnerability safe. And that is what allows you to show up as your full authentic self without fear of being judged or abandoned. never, I want my kids to know this, you always belong here. I will never turn my back on you, ever. No matter what you tell me, no matter what you do, you are my baby and you have a place here with me. I will never abandon you, ever. And that is why I say the greatest love letter you can give your spouse as well is not a card or a gift. saying, hey babe, I’m going to therapy. I’m gonna work on my stuff. I am going to unpack my suitcase. That is love in action. So as I sit here at 45, reflecting on my own journey, I am reminded again that this work doesn’t end. Like I said before, you don’t stop parenting when your kids turn 18. You don’t stop growing when you hit middle age. In fact, I think that is when like, I feel like I, you know, in Inside Out when there’s like a new dashboard for Riley. Like I feel like I got another one in this perimenopausal time and there is just a part of me that’s like focused on the things that matter in a way that I haven’t been before which I think is really cool and fun. Like I really do not care what people think. Like that there’s some of that that is really faded. And I feel like there’s just kind of a laser focus on the important things. And I love that. If we’re lucky, we get to keep unpacking layer by layer and layer by layer until we can love and be loved with so much freedom and so much truth. That’s what I want for you. That’s what I want for your marriage. That’s what I want for your family. That’s what I want for my marriage. That’s what I want for my family. That’s what I want for me. Because when we heal, when we do our work, when we take ownership of our stories, we create homes where vulnerability is normal, where people can repair constantly. It’s possible. It’s a part of the environment where our children can grow up knowing I’m safe. I love, I’m loved, I belong. ⁓ We spoke last week a little bit about some of Brene Brown’s stuff and how the opposite of belonging is fitting in, you know? And I think for a lot of people, if they don’t feel that belonging at home, then they’re gonna find a place where they can quote fit in, which isn’t really belonging at all, because you can’t fully be yourself. So let’s make homes where our kids feel like they can fully be themselves, where they belong and where they’re safe to make mistakes. and to learn and grow. And that, my friends, is the foundation of a secure home. It’s the foundation of secure attachment. It is as believer in Jesus Christ listening, it’s what we have in the gospel. That’s the security that we are afforded. And so it’s my hope that you know all of those things. And when I say know it, I mean not just with your brain. All right. So if today’s episode resonated with you, man, I would love for you to share it. We’re getting more and more and more listens every week. I keep hearing feedback of people who are listening and they are, it’s beneficial to them. I love hearing that. It gives me gas to keep going. So please share it. Please let me know if this is impactful to you. If you want to hear different types of topics, just let me know and listen. If you want to start unpacking your stuff, whether it’s individually or as a couple, head on over to our website. We got a team of counselors that I think are the best in the city. And they’re here for you. They’re here to help you do these things. are, we all come from this type of framework that I’m talking about. And You know, they’re amazing. And so you can learn more or you can schedule free consultation on our website, steadfastchristiancounseling.com. Yeah, come on over. Let’s keep doing this work. Because listen, the healing that you are doing now, and this is what hits me as a mom, it’s not just for me, it’s for my babies also, all right? It changes generations. All right guys, enjoy the week and I’ll see you next week.