The Difference Between Self-Editing and Self-Abandonment

We hear a lot about authenticity. Be yourself. Accept yourself. Don’t change for anyone.

And while there is so much value in knowing who you are and refusing to shrink yourself just to fit in, I think we can take the idea of authenticity a little too far.

Because not every feeling I have, every thought that pops into my head, or every way I instinctively want to react is necessarily an expression of who I truly want to be.

Sometimes it’s insecurity. Sometimes it’s jealousy. Sometimes it’s defensiveness. Sometimes I just want to be liked or prove that I’m right.

And sometimes I’m simply in a bad mood.

The question isn’t whether I should accept every version of myself without question. The question is whether the way I’m showing up actually lines up with the person I’ve decided I want to be.

What Is a Self-Edit?

When I talk about making a “self-edit,” I’m not talking about changing yourself to become more acceptable to the people around you.

In fact, I think a healthy self-edit comes from a place of security.

Fitting in asks, “Who do you need me to be?”

A self-edit asks, “Who have I decided I want to be?”

What kind of friend do I want to be? What kind of spouse, parent, leader, or coworker do I want to be? Do I want people to experience me as warm? Curious? Trustworthy? Someone who listens well and makes room for other people?

We get to decide those things.

But once we decide, we also have to be willing to notice when our behavior doesn’t match them.

Changing Your Behavior Is Not the Same as Changing Who You Are

There is an important difference between changing yourself to fit in and changing how you show up because you want your behavior to reflect your values.

When we are trying to fit in, we look around the room for instructions.

Should I be quieter? Louder? More impressive? Less opinionated? Should I make myself smaller so the people around me will accept me?

Little by little, we start shaving off pieces of ourselves.

That’s very different from realizing, “I interrupted too much in that conversation,” or “I got defensive,” or “I joined in because I wanted to feel included, and that’s not actually how I want to show up.”

That isn’t self-abandonment.

That’s self-awareness.

Being Nice to Yourself and Being Kind to Yourself Are Different

There’s another distinction I think matters here: being nice to yourself isn’t always the same thing as being kind to yourself.

Nice often tells us what we want to hear.

Kindness tells the truth.

One day, I said something negative about myself and my teenager looked at me and said, “Mom, don’t talk about my friend like that.”

I loved that reminder. I want to speak to myself with kindness.

But kindness doesn’t mean I have to lie to myself. It doesn’t mean looking at every behavior and saying, “It’s fine. That’s just who I am.”

Sometimes the kindest thing I can do is tell myself the truth.

Maybe I didn’t listen very well. Maybe I was defensive. Maybe I tried too hard. Maybe I behaved in a way that didn’t line up with my values.

I can acknowledge that without tearing myself apart.

Accountability Without Shame

This is where shame can sneak in.

There’s a huge difference between thinking, “I don’t love how I handled that. I want to do it differently next time,” and thinking, “Why am I like this? I always screw everything up.”

One focuses on behavior.

The other turns the behavior into an identity.

Shame takes something I did and turns it into something I am.

Instead of saying, “I talked too much because I was nervous. Next time I want to slow down and listen,” shame says, “I’m too much. I should probably just stop talking.”

And suddenly we’re right back to making ourselves smaller to fit in.

A healthy self-edit requires both truth and kindness.

You Don’t Have to Show Up Perfectly

I want my kids to understand this because they are constantly figuring out who they are in relationship to other people.

They’re going to get it wrong sometimes.

They’re going to try too hard. They’re going to follow a group when they wish they hadn’t. They’re going to say things they regret.

And so are we.

I don’t want their response to those moments to be shame. But I also don’t want their response to be, “Well, that’s just who I am, so everyone else needs to accept it.”

There’s a healthy place in the middle.

We can accept ourselves without excusing every behavior.

We can hold ourselves accountable without shaming ourselves.

We can listen to how other people experience us without giving them the authority to decide who we should be.

And we can be secure enough in ourselves to change how we show up.