Calm Through, Not Down: How IFS Helps You Work With Your Protectors
by Jessie Evans with Annalise Lind, Steadfast Christian Counseling
Chocolate milk, no coffee—and a real conversation about why we react the way we do.
When life heats up, most of us try to calm down. But sometimes your body needs to calm through first—move, breathe, make space—so your words can land. In this post, we translate Internal Family Systems (IFS) into everyday language you can use at home. You’ll learn how to spot your protectors, invite your spirit‑led self (the Eight C’s), and build a gentle path from reactivity to repair.
Quick primer: Parts, Protectors, and Your Core Self
Think Inside Out 2: different emotions (or parts) step up to help you. In IFS we see three broad categories:
- Managers: preventative protectors—plan, perfect, perform (and worry), hoping to stop pain before it starts.
- Firefighters: after‑the‑fact protectors—numb, scroll, overeat, explode; anything to put out an emotional fire.
- Exiles: tender, younger parts that carry old hurts. Protectors work overtime to keep these parts from feeling exposed.
Your Core Self (what we call the spirit‑led self) shows up with the Eight C’s: calm, curious, compassionate, confident, clear, courageous, creative, connected. From this place, you can lead all your parts with gentleness—no bad parts.
Why “Calm Through” Beats “Calm Down”
If you’re in fight, your body may need movement before stillness. A brisk walk, weighted vest, or music that matches your mood can complete the stress cycle so clarity returns. If you’re in flight, a short run or pacing might help. Then quieter tools (breath, prayer, grounding) can actually work.
Pocket phrase for tense moments: “Tell me more about that…”
It buys you a minute to breathe and engage the wiser part of you.
A Faith‑Friendly Lens
Scripture’s Fruit of the Spirit mirrors the Eight C’s. As believers, we can attune inward, invite God upward, and then move outward in love. (We call this flow In → Up → Out.) Like Elijah’s “snack and nap,” God meets us kindly in our limits.
Postpartum Example: Intrusive Thoughts Aren’t “Crazy”—They’re Protective
New parents often feel a surge of anxious what‑ifs (e.g., What if I drop the baby?). In IFS, these can be manager parts scanning for danger. Overwhelm and shutdown can be firefighters saying, too much; we need to numb out. Naming this removes shame and opens space for care.
Try this:
- “A part of me is scared I’ll miss something. Thank you for trying to protect us.”
- “What do you need right now—information, help, or rest?”
- Take a 10–20 minute walk (bilateral movement) and pray as you go.
How to Work With a Trigger in 5 Gentle Steps (IFS‑informed)
(adapted from Boundaries for Your Soul)
- Focus — Name one part: “A part of me is furious right now.”
- Befriend — Get curious: Where do I feel it in my body? What is it protecting?
- Invite — Welcome your Core/Self and invite Jesus near: “Lord, be with this part.”
- Unburden — Ask what load the part carries (e.g., I must be perfect to be loved). Offer that burden to God.
- Integrate — Thank the part for its work. Ask how it wants to help in healthier ways.
Pro‑tip: If a strong inner critic shows up, work with it first. Critics often fear you’ll get hurt or judged.
Scripts You Can Borrow (for you + your kids)
- To yourself: “Thank you, Protector, for trying to keep me safe. I’ll take it from here.”
- Buying space: “I want to understand. Can you say more while I take a breath?”
- With kids: “Would you like help or a minute?”
- Repairing: “My tone wasn’t helpful. Let’s start over.”
Micro‑gestures that change the tone fast: kneel to eye level, three slow breaths together, gentle shoulder tap, a 5‑minute walk.
Managers vs. Firefighters (Spot the Difference)
Managers
- Plan, perfect, predict
- Feel like anxiety or over‑functioning
- Say things like “Never again” and create systems
Firefighters
- Put out emotional fires
- Feel like numbing, snapping, or shutting down
- Say things like “Too much—escape!”
Neither is “bad.” Both want safety. Your job is leadership—listen to what they protect and meet the need with kindness.
Practice: “Calm Through” Menu
Choose 1–2 you’ll actually use this week.
- 15–20 minute fast walk (music that matches your mood)
- Square breathing (4–4–4–4) after you move
- Bilateral tapping (alternating hands on thighs)
- Grounding prayer: “Be near to this part in me.”
- Car phrases that buy time: “Tell me more about that.”
For Parents: Teaching “No Bad Parts”
When your teen says, “A part of me is so mad,” reflect: “That makes sense. What do you think that part is protecting?” Model thanking the part for trying to help, then brainstorm healthier roles.
Inside Out 2 shows this beautifully: anxiety isn’t evicted from the control room—it’s integrated.
When to Get Support
If protectors are so loud you can’t access compassion or daily life is impacted, working with an IFS‑informed therapist helps you “unblend” and find steadier Self‑leadership.
Work with us: Book a consult with Annalise Lind or another Steadfast therapist →https://sccandcic.janeapp.com/
FAQ
Isn’t this just over‑analyzing myself?
Nope—naming parts reduces shame and increases choice.
Is there a Christian version of IFS?
Many believers find the Eight C’s align with the Fruit of the Spirit. We use a faith‑integrated approach if you want it.
Resources
- Boundaries for Your Soul by Allison Cook & Kimberly Miller
- Inside Out 2 (for a vivid picture of integration)
- Steadfast Podcast episode: Why do I React the Way I Do
Call to Action
Ready to be kinder to every part of you? Start with a 20‑minute walk today and one script from this post. Then, if you want a guide, book a consult with Annalise.
