Marriage Can’t Heal Abuse: Why Safety and Truth Come First

Abuse is a pattern of power and control—not a “marriage problem” you can fix with more date nights, better meals, or “trying harder.” In relationships marked by coercive control, “work on the marriage” advice (including couples counseling) can be dangerous. Safety, truth-telling, and trauma-informed care must come first.

When “work on it” becomes harmful

We hear stories like these every week: a spouse is urged to “pray more,” “submit more,” “cook more,” or “have more sex” to “save” a marriage that’s actually unsafe. That advice confuses abuse (a pattern of domination) with conflict (a pattern of disagreements between equals). Abuse requires protection and accountability—not pressure to reconcile.

Abuse is tragically common. A major CDC report found about 2 in 5 women and 1 in 4 men in the U.S. have experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner, with many reporting long-term impacts like injury and PTSD. CDC

Abuse ≠ “we both need to communicate better”

The heartbeat of abuse is power and control, often expressed through coercive control—monitoring, isolation, financial control, threats, and degradation that trap a partner whether or not physical assaults occur. Coercive control is strongly linked to escalating harm and heightened homicide risk. It’s the pattern that makes survivors feel like they are “walking on eggshells.” Santa Clara County Files+1

Bottom line: You don’t fix oppression with better communication skills. You stop it by restoring safety, voice, and agency.

Why “couples counseling” can be unsafe in abuse

In therapy research and clinical ethics, conjoint (couples) therapy is not appropriate when there is “intimate terrorism”/coercive control. Asking a survivor to “own their part” in sessions can place blame on the victim, embolden the abuser, and increase danger after therapy. Couples therapy may help in situational couple violence (heat-of-the-moment, non-controlling conflict), but not where power and fear drive the relationship. Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen

Leading survivor organizations echo this: the National Domestic Violence Hotline advises that couples counseling is not recommended in abusive relationships because it can minimize, excuse, or escalate harm. Individual support and safety planning come first. The Hotline

“Just leave” isn’t simple—and it can be dangerous

Leaving can be the most dangerous window because it threatens the abuser’s control; that’s why safety planning matters. Landmark research on femicide (intimate partner homicide) and national advocates both warn that risk often spikes around separation. Survivors need discreet, trauma-informed plans—not shame or pressure. PMC+1

Betrayal trauma is real

When harm comes from someone (or an institution) we depend on, our minds often minimize or “go blind” to survive. That’s called betrayal trauma. It’s why smart, strong people can feel stuck, self-doubtful, or frozen—and why compassion, not judgment, is the path to healing. Dynamics Lab

A better Christian frame: People over systems

Scripture calls leaders to protect the vulnerable and tell the truth. Marriage is a covenant of mutuality, not a shield for sin or a demand that a spouse endure danger. When betrayal and abuse occur, the abuser breaks the covenant, not the survivor who sets boundaries or separates for safety. The Church’s first loyalty is to image-bearers, not to preserving appearances.

What safety-first healing looks like

For survivors

Trust your gut. If you feel afraid, controlled, or constantly “wrong,” pay attention to that alarm.
Make a safety plan with an advocate before confronting or leaving. Use safe devices and private browsing. The Hotline
Get trauma-informed, confidential support (not couples counseling) to stabilize, name the abuse, and build options.
Involve trusted allies—friends, clinicians, and (when safe) informed pastoral leaders who prioritize your safety.

For friends & family

Believe the survivor, avoid pressuring reconciliation, and help with practical safety (documents, money, transportation, childcare). Point them to confidential advocates. The Hotline

For pastors & churches

Preach and teach clearly that abuse is sin; don’t platform perpetrators.
Build policies, reporting pathways, and referral networks (trauma-informed therapists, local DV agencies).
Never send a couple with IPV into conjoint counseling; prioritize the survivor’s safety and confidentiality. Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen

Charleston-area and national help

The National Domestic Violence Hotline — 24/7 confidential help: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788, live chat at thehotline.org. The Hotline
My Sister’s House (Lowcountry) — DV advocacy, shelter, therapy. See “Get Help” and safety-planning resources on their site. My Sister’s House
SCCADVASA (South Carolina Coalition) — statewide resources and connections. sccadvasa.org
SC DSS Domestic Violence Program — state hotline information and links. SC Department of Social Services

If you’re in immediate danger, call 911.

How we can help

At Steadfast Christian Counseling, we offer confidential, trauma-informed care that honors your story, your safety, and your faith. We’ll help you name what’s happening, make a practical plan, and heal—without spiritual pressure to “save” what harms you.

Ready to talk? Reach out to schedule a private session.

Sources & further reading

CDC, NISVS 2016/2017: Report on Intimate Partner Violence (prevalence, impacts). CDC
Slootmaeckers & Migerode, Family Process: Conjoint therapy not appropriate for intimate terrorism; safety first. Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen
National Domestic Violence Hotline: Why couples counseling is not recommended in abusive relationships; safety planning guidance. The Hotline+1
Evan Stark, Coercive Control (definition & harms); Myhill (2019) on coercive control in risk assessment & homicide prevention. Santa Clara County Files+1
Campbell et al., AJPH (2003): Risk factors for femicide; danger around separation. PMC
Local help: My Sister’s House; SCCADVASA; SC DSS resources. My Sister’s House+2sccadvasa.org+2